Organized Chaos
by PyroDragon2006
Summary: Boredom is never a good thing anywhere, but it is especially dangerous when confined to a city in another galaxy. John and Radek come up with a unique solution, and hilarity ensues. But they aren't the only ones plotting...
1. The Proposition

Disclaimer: Neither Stargate: Atlantis nor the characters from the show are the property of the authors, nor do the authors make any profit from this story. It is strictly for entertain purposes only.

Author's Note: Many of you have asked for more John/Allie stories, so here it is, the next installment. However, this one is much lighter, as well as being co-written by the other half of PyroDragon2006, my beta, Cindy. So, on behalf of the sisters Pyro, read and enjoy.

**Organized Chaos**

Chapter 1: The Proposition

John's POV

I was bored. Very, very bored. Not even the _food _was that interesting anymore, since we hadn't been able to find many new trading partners lately. Go on a mission to another backwater world, scout the gate, come home, write a mission report, train with Ronon or Teyla... I could do it in my sleep by now. In fact, _none _of the teams had encountered much excitement recently. People were getting careless, and that could get someone killed. Only I didn't know what to do about it at the moment. A carefully cleared throat made me glance up to find Dr. Radek Zelenka, food tray in hand, nodding toward the empty seat across from me.

"Do you mind, Colonel Sheppard?"

"No, of course not, Dr. Z. I see you managed to escape Rodney in one piece today."

A relieved sigh. "Yes. He is being... McKay squared lately. _You are hogging all the artifacts, Radek. You are doing this wrong, Radek. You are Czech idiot, Radek. _It is enough to make me wish for trouble to occupy him. He has Dr. Ramerez in tears yesterday. _Again!_"

I couldn't help chuckling softly, recalling many a mission where I wanted to apply duct tape to McKay's mouth. The man had the social skills of a rhinoceros. Then again, so had Bobby Sikes...

"Ya know what this reminds me of? My senior year in high school, we had this obnoxious guy, real know-it-all, in the class. We also had a tradition of pulling a practical joke on the last day of school. Each senior class would try to outdo the class before them. So... That year, we got a bunch of us together, hoisted one guy up above our heads with paint on his shoes. He walked along the ceiling toward an unused classroom. Then one of us went and got the jerk, asked him to explain these mysterious prints on the ceiling..."

My companion, who had begun perking up at the start of my tale, grinned wickedly, pushing his glasses back up on his nose.

"And what _else _did you do to him?"

"Well...in the classroom the prints led to was a big bucket of glue above the door and a tripwire connected to a fan with feathers in front of it... The guy walked around for the rest of the day looking like an overgrown turkey. The history teacher used it as an example of modern tar and feathering. They never figured out who did it, so nobody could be punished..."

"And you are thinking this might be a good lesson for our own know-it-all?"

At the sly grin on the Czech's face, I began to have some rather nasty thoughts circling through my _own _head. I actually hadn't been thinking of doing anything like that to Rodney at all, mostly because he was almost sure to figure out it was me. What I had been going for was a smile out of my table mate. Now it looked like I might have accidentally cooked Rodney's goose. Better head this one off before it got out of hand.

"Actually, Radek, I was just-"

A sharp hand gesture cut me off. "I have better idea, Colonel, but not here. Bring your coffee."

The slightly dumpy looking scientist quickly gathered his barely touched tray, throwing it out and hurrying off, leaving me no choice but to follow. Truth be told, I was intrigued to know just what the man had up his sleeve. His eyes were lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. After a couple of quick turns to ensure that no one was around, he led me out onto one of Atlantis' balconies.

"Radek..."

"Rodney is bored, yes?"

"Well, yeah. We all are. I was thinking of popping some home made fire crackers behind the marines in the gun range just to make them react to something not routine."

"No, no, I have something much better for Rodney _and _your military. We will pull some pranks, make them look over their shoulders, not know what is coming. If we go after many, Rodney will not know who it was, yes?"

Now, that was dirty, mean, sneaky, somewhat unethical... I loved it!

"I'll do you one better. We make it a contest to see which one of us can pull the best pranks on the most people. But..." I held up a warning finger. "If you get caught, you lose."

I could see him thinking about it for a long moment, then the grin started up again. "Agreed. What is bet? Must clean other's room and do their laundry for a week?"

"Naw... How about you lose, Ronon gets to teach you to accurately fire a gun. I lose, I light up whatever you want in the lab for a week."

"I accept. I will see you in my lab, Colonel."

"Don't bet on it."

Someone's POV

The problem was, neither of them saw me also enjoying the view from the balcony, just around the corner. I grinned, all sorts of nasty ideas swirling around in my head. So those two thought that Atlantis could use a little livening up? I would give them lively. Besides, if they thought they were proving who the king of the Atlantis jokers was, they were just begging to be proved wrong. It was a challenge I couldn't resist.

With a soft laugh, I followed the other two back to the mess hall, though I was careful to circle around from another direction when we got close. Collecting a tray, I sat down, watching as the other two spoke for a while longer before the colonel got up to get desert and Dr. Zelenka was called back to the lab by Rodney McKay. Seeing my opportunity, I wasted no time in brushing casually by the table. No one paid any attention. Perfect. Refilling my coffee, I returned to my own table to wait, pretending to be deeply absorbed in work. With a sigh, the pilot sat back down, picked up the sugar to sweeten his coffee- and the lid promptly fell off, filling his cup with the stuff. The man glared at the door where his companion had just disappeared and I smiled, satisfied.

Let the games begin!

Author's Note: Our unknown player will hereafter be known as Prankster. The challenge to all of you is... figure out who it is before we reveal the answer at the end! Leave us a review with your guess and the reasoning, if you get it right, we'll give you a walk-in! Good luck! The sisters Pyro.


	2. Opening Salvos

Chapter 2: Opening Salvos

I pursed my lips, trying to decide who my first victim was going to be. I definitely knew who it _wasn't- _Elizabeth, Ronon, or Teyla. The first because she had enough to deal with, the second because I didn't want to get pulverized, and the third because it wasn't really fair to go after someone who would have absolutely no clue as to what was behind it. No, I would go for the unexpected... Lorne or Carson would be suitable. My team wasn't up for any missions for at least a week, so this was as good a time as any to get the ball rolling on this little challenge. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by the beeping of the computer on my desk just as I was about to get up and smuggle some supplies. I grinned as text began to roll across the screen. Allie.

'Father, what is a prank war? Dr. Zelenka is very happy at the moment.'

_I'll bet he is. That coffee thing was a low blow. What if someone else had sat at that table before I came back? Like Elizabeth or Lieutenant Cadman? Half the value of a good joke is actually getting the intended target. Speaking of Elizabeth, has anyone dragged her out of the office yet today?_

'I don't know. She seems to have a lot of work to do, and I didn't want to bother her. She hasn't even had time for chess lately. Should I go see if she is still there?'

_Not a bad idea, kiddo. As for the prank war, that means playing jokes on as many people as you can without getting caught. Me, I see it as a way to shake things up around here, make sure people don't get so settled that they get stupid. Now, go twist Elizabeth's arm. If she won't quit and relax for a while, act like a normal six-year-old and threaten to tattle to Carson and I._

A giggle rang through my head. The child had told on me often enough to Carson that I doubted she would hesitate to do the same to Elizabeth. In the meantime, it would keep both Elizabeth and Allie occupied elsewhere while I went after my first target. The girl had a serious soft spot for Beckett, possibly because he kept putting me back together again, and I didn't want her spilling the beans on me. I had no intention of winding up as a lab rat for Radek.

With a jaunty whistle, I headed out, using the knowledge of Atlantis' back ways that I'd gained from my daily runs to find a route where I was unlikely to encounter anyone. First stop was the storage area for the tools. It took only a few moments to pocket the necessary screwdriver and wrench from Radek's normal toolbox. If he missed them, it would serve him right for the way he started off this little contest. About to leave, though, my eye lighted on something sitting on a shelf. Super glue. Oh, this was just too easy to pass up! Quickly, I applied a thin line to the bottom of the toolbox, then set it firmly back on the floor. Take that!

Cautiously, I approached the infirmary, only to find it quiet and, for once, completely empty of any patients. There was one nurse in the back supply room folding laundry, and Dr. Kirran, bent over a microscope in the nearby lab. No Carson in sight. Perfect. Pausing to assume a proper annoyed look, I tapped lightly on the wall nearest Bethany.

Without bothering to look up from her scope, the woman answered me immediately. "What do you need, Colonel? Don't tell me Rodney talked you into picking up something that zapped you again."

"Nope, nothing like that, Bethany. Just stopped by so my favorite doc could run his biweekly scan. You know, the ones he's insisted on since that whole brain dead incident three months ago?"

Now she did turn to face me with a contrite expression. Not something anyone got out of the woman very often. "Oh, I am sorry, John. Carson must have forgotten to tell you he would have to reschedule. One of the Athosian women was having some problems with her pregnancy. He just left. Should be back in a few hours."

"Thanks, Bethany. No problem, really."

Beckett _had _forgotten to call me, but I had also forgotten the stupid scan until I was halfway down here anyway. Gave me a perfect excuse to ask about his whereabouts, though. The day was definitely looking up. Now that I knew the coast would be clear for a while, I hightailed it into the Scot's office, careful to keep the lights off. Gently, I eased myself down onto the floor by Carson's chair, pulling the tools from my pocket. After having done maintenance on my own chopper more than once in Afghanistan, finding the right bolts to loosen didn't take much time. Right, a little more, and... done. Now, when Carson got back, he would get one _very _unpleasant surprise, flat on his backside. It wasn't much of a prank, as they go, but it would serve as an acceptable opening salvo. After all, Radek's had been straight from middle school. Nobody ever said the war had to be one with anything _sophisticated_, just pranks and plenty of them.

Prankster's POV

I couldn't believe that the man was actually starting with something so simple! Then, having just been challenged, the colonel hadn't had time to go for the elaborate yet. With a slight smile, I clinked off the computer link to the infirmary surveillance cameras. I could work with this. The key was making sure, for now, that they both thought the other was responsible for my work. When the time was right, I would let them know there was a third player in their game, but not just yet. Let them sweat about it for a while.

First, though, I needed a highly visible target to catch the pilot's attention. I couldn't go after him again so soon, or the two just might put their heads together. No, I needed someone that Zelenka would instantly disavow ever even _thinking _of going after. Not that Sheppard would believe him. A member of his team would certainly rile the man into escalating, but the nature of the prank I wanted to copy- taking apart a chair so that it would collapse when the user sat down- would make that hard. Ronon and Teyla didn't have offices, and McKay's was too isolated to catch much attention. So who? Then it hit me. I knew exactly who would get attention, as well as bring the wrath of the colonel down on the scientist.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir.


	3. Revenge is Sweet

Author's Note: If anyone has any good prank ideas, let us know! We'll be happy to credit you at the top of the chapter!

Chapter 3: Revenge is Sweet

Radek's POV

So John Sheppard thinks he can out prank me, does he? That American fly boy, as Rodney is so fond of calling him, is in for a very rude surprise. After an hour or so in my lab thinking, I had decided on the perfect opening prank. Just then, my com sputtered to life.

"Dr. Zelenka."

"Radek, we need you in the Control Room. One of the consoles won't respond and Rodney's busy." Elizabeth sounded slightly annoyed.

_Meaning McKay won't get off his overgrown **arse **to fix it, or he and Allie got into some sort of disagreement. Such are rarer then before, but I am sure it will not be the last time I must pick up the slack._

"I am on my way, Dr. Weir."

First, I needed to retrieve my tool box since there was no telling what had happened this time. Stalking into the appropriate storage area, I leaned over to snatch it, only to be reminded that the laws of physics state that for every action there is an equal and opposite _reaction._ I found myself meeting the floor rather painfully, my right ribs taking the full impact of the tool box handle. Carefully, I caught my breath and picked myself up, assessing the damage. While not enough to actually crack a rib, at least I hoped, I was going to feel as if a Red Army tank sat upon me tomorrow. It would, however, give me the perfect excuse to visit the infirmary after I fixed the problem upstairs.

I tried once more to lift the offending item, a little more carefully this time, but it would not budge. Looking around, I tried to decide what it could be caught on. The nearby tube of super glue, however, told me all I needed to know.

"John Sheppard, you rotten American _osel_!"

Apparently, I must teach the colonel that messing with one's opponent can result in a variety of very unpleasant forms of retaliation.

Just then, my com buzzed to life once more, scaring several years off my life.

"Dr. Zelenka, is everything all right?"

"Yes, yes. _Už běžím!_ I am coming!" Stupid com.

Opening my toolbox to at least grab a few things, I found more evidence of Sheppard's handiwork. My screwdriver was missing! _Hrom do toho!_ I snatched Rodney's toolbox instead, figuring it served him right, and headed for the Control Room.

Shortly after arriving, I discovered the problem. A crystal had been jarred loose, probably during one of the many times we had hostile weapons fire following a team home. It had just waited until now to come the rest of the way, disrupting the power flow. As I gently teased it back into place, I saw a red-faced Dr. Beckett lead Dr. Weir into her office.

_I wonder just what else my light fingered opponent has been up to already?_

Minutes later, the relative quiet of the Control Room was shattered by a quick series of crashes, a loud thump, and a startled yelp.

"What in the world...?"

With the gate room technicians and several of the marines on security detail on my heels, I rushed to Dr. Weir's office. I was greeted by the sight of our expedition leader sitting on the floor amidst the remains of her desk chair, her face a mask of shock.

_Oh, now **that's **going too far, colonel!_

A sharp curse in Gaelic brought my attention to the room's other occupant. The Scot looked even angrier than before.

"It looks like I'm not the only one to have a wee bit of trouble, Elizabeth." Dr. Beckett commented almost smugly. I was horrified to note the doctor clutching my missing screwdriver in his hand. Now I would never get it back!

"I'll deal with it, Carson." Elizabeth sounded almost amused as she reassured the Scot from her position on the floor.

A rather comical look of chagrin passed over the physician's face as he finally extended a hand to help the woman from the floor. "Are ya all right, Elizabeth? That was a bit of a nasty tumble."

"Yes, Carson, I'm fine, though my pride's slightly dented."

Dr. Weir abruptly noticed their audience, and raised an eyebrow. I decided that I'd best finish the work on the console now, allowing our leader to nurse her bruises in peace. It was time the good colonel had a taste of his own medicine, yes? Knowing he would be occupied with his regular afternoon training session with Teyla, I headed out. Half an hour later, I snuck back out of Colonel Sheppard's office, feeling like... What was the American saying? Oh, yes, the cat that ate the canary!

Now, if everything went correctly, by tonight Atlantis would be in for a surprise. Limping a little more then my honestly sore side really warranted, I made my way down to the infirmary, hoping Dr. Beckett was still occupied with Dr. Weir. If not, I would make do.

An hour later, I allowed myself to grin as I carefully walked out of the infirmary, the item I had come for tucked safely out of sight in a pocket. As a bonus, Dr. Beckett would be in for quite a surprise the next time he used his stethoscope. Finding it laying unguarded on his desk was highly unusual, though the remains of the good doctor's chair gave me a hint as to why it had been forgotten. Spying a jar of Vaseline, I just _couldn't _resist. Patting the bottle of Laxative in my pocket, I resisted the urge to laugh like one of the villains in the American horror films. A fresh shipment of gravy had come in on the last _Daedalus _run, and I knew it would be served tonight. Yes. This was going to be very interesting, indeed.

_Take **that**, Colonel Cruel._

_Prankster's POV_

I walked leisurely through the halls of Atlantis, enjoying the sounds of the city settling into a quiet evening. Dinner had been particularly good tonight, and I was still gloating over the results of my day's work. I had both my opponents ready to take drastic steps to go after the other, which would keep them from comparing notes and realizing they weren't alone in their little war.

Suddenly, the quiet was shattered by the sight of an airman bolting down the hall toward the nearest bathroom, followed quickly by a second. Odd. Wonder what those two got into? As I continued to walk, I received the first inkling that I might have missed something as the halls began to fill with others also seeking the restrooms, and I heard several calls go out to the medical bay over the com. Which one of the two sources of trouble had done what?

Unfortunately, my gut chose then to tell me that whatever it was, I was also a victim. I had better find a relatively unclogged restroom, _now_. My further plans would have to wait. My com clicked to life one more time as I entered the quiet of my quarters, heading toward the bathroom.

"This is Dr. Beckett. I need a med team and gurney to Colonel Sheppard's quarters, immediately!"

I had no time to investigate as my body informed me in no uncertain terms just where I would be spending my immediate future. It did tell me who was most likely responsible for my present indisposition, however.

_That Czech menace is going to be sorry for this!_

_A/N: If any of you want to know immediately if your guess is correct, let us know and we'll e-mail you. We don't want to spoil the fun of the mystery for anyone! Thanks to those of you reading, and reviews are always received with great interest and appreciation!_


	4. Friendly Fire Isn't

Chapter 4: Friendly Fire Isn't

John's POV

I spent the rest of the afternoon quietly out of sight working out with Teyla and Ronon in the gym before going to meet Rodney at the mess hall at 1900 hours. By the time I arrived, five minutes _early_, Rodney was already there, practically bouncing up and down in impatience.

"Insects in your pants, McKay, or are you trying to imitate a kangaroo?"

My sarcastic question whirled the man around, eyes lighting up when he saw who it was.

"It's about time! They're serving turkey, potatoes, and gravy tonight, remember? _Real,_ honest to goodness, hot, totally Earth food! By the time we get in there, those gluttonous pigs you call marines will have eaten it all! What'd you do, stop to gel your hair?"

I had to smile at my friend's typical complaints, knowing as well as he did that the cooks would maintain strict portions tonight to ensure that everyone on the expedition could have some of this rare treat.

"The faster you shut up and go through the door, the faster we get to eat, McKay!"

That brought a halt to the building rant, with a classic blank 'stunned McKay' look. It also gave me a rather nasty idea. Carefully, I formed a call in my head.

_Allie!_

I knew that the artificial intelligence that lived in the Atlantis central computer, my adopted 'daughter' by mutual agreement, would hear me. The question was whether the computer-child would respond as she had been a little upset with me earlier for tricking her.

Then, the familiar voice sounded in my head as I followed McKay in to wait in what was already a long line.

"You're going to get a headache from this, you know."

_I'm aware of that, but this could be worth it. Can you control the mess doors, maybe close them in certain people's faces as they try to come in?_

"I won't do it to Doc Beckett or Dr. Weir." I could hear the grumpy pout in her voice.

_I didn't ask you to. I was thinking more along the lines of some of Kavanaugh's old buddies. Maybe a crabby marine or two. _

A giggle. "Now _that _I can do."

Her touch disappeared to be replaced with the inevitable reaction-headache from when the girl used my Ancient gene to pull that close. Ready for it, however, all I did was wince a fraction at the suddenly irritating noise in the room. My attention was immediately diverted by the sight of the door closing in the face of Dr. Crank. It re-opened with him a few feet back looking puzzled, and I saw him move toward it again- only to have the thing close in his face once again. Perfect. Beside me, Rodney made a surprised grunt as he picked up his tray.

"Well, will you look at that! A concussion couldn't occur to a better target. Better than what happened earlier, that's for sure."

_Okay, time to be Colonel Innocent._

"What happened? I've been in the gym all afternoon working with Ronon, Teyla, and some of the newbies." I tried to keep as nonchalant a tone as possible, knowing my avowed ignorance would set off the one-man Atlantis grapevine.

"You're kidding, right? What are you, deaf?"

"McKay..."

"Wow, okay. Somebody rigged Carson's chair to collapse the minute he sat down. Poor guy had just gotten back from the mainland, so of course he was all stressed out and whining about having to fly one of the Jumpers- Hey!" Rodney watched with outrage engraved on his face as the server loaded my plate with a double portion, then smothered the whole thing with four scoops of gravy instead of the normal one. "How come Colonel Sheppard gets so much and I don't?"

The woman just rolled her eyes at him, glancing at me for a nod before she spoke. "Because there are standing orders concerning the colonel from Dr. Beckett, that's why. You don't like it, take it up with the doctor, otherwise, move along."

I sighed. "Carson's trying to force feed some more weight on me, so anything with protein and carbs that he knows I like..."

"About time. Every time you manage to land your scrawny butt in the infirmary, you strengthen your resemblance to a toothpick!"

I let that one go, knowing the jab concealed genuine concern, just like Carson's lectures did.

"So, Carson's chair collapsed?" I prodded him, wondering what Radek may have done. Rodney's tone from earlier had implied that there was much more to this.

"Yeah, landed him right on his butt. He thought maybe it was a fluke until he found a screwdriver laying on the floor under his desk."

_Shit! That's where that thing went!_

"Now, Radek was in the Control Room and said Carson came barreling up there, furious, to talk to Elizabeth. She took him into her office and the next thing anyone knows, _her _chair had collapsed! Can you believe someone would have the _gall _to do that to _Elizabeth!_ And they somehow got in there without being seen! I mean, people are in and out of there all the time, dropping stuff off when she's not there, but... Well, just this afternoon, the gate techs saw Carson, me, Heightmeyer, Lorne, Stackhouse, Teyla, Ronon, and Radek. Hey! _You _don't know anything about this, do you? I mean, its exactly the kind of sophomoric stunt _you _would think is funny, like that stupid door over there. Wonder what's with that?"

Doing my best innocent offended look, not feigned this time, I followed Rodney's gaze just in time to see the door close firmly in the face of Atlantis' resident psychologist. It re-opened to admit the woman, then closed, just in time to gently trap Kate's leg, sending her sprawling to the floor. I stifled a laugh. Allie had long shown a dislike for the woman, perhaps picking up on my own unease around her.

"See! You think that was funny! Did you and Allie have a fight or something?"

"No, McKay, we didn't, so its not a feedback loop between Allie and me causing malfunctions again. And you know _damn _well that I would never do something like that to Elizabeth! She has enough pains in her backside running this place without adding a real one to it!" Now, I was angry, and not about to hide it. "Besides, whoever's doing it hit _me_ at lunch! The lid of the sugar container came off right into my coffee!"

_I'm going to string up a certain Czech, though! I thought he had more sense that to bu- ah, bother- Elizabeth like that! Besides, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end if she caught me!_

The dinner passed quickly after that, listening to Rodney ramble on about the 'half-witted stunts' many of his classmates had pulled in college. It sounded as if the poor man had gotten stuck with mostly jocks on his floor. Or maybe it should be 'poor jocks'? It _did _give me some good ideas, though. Too bad Atlantis didn't have porcelain toilets since it wouldn't have been that hard for me to get my hands on some dry ice...

By the time I returned to my quarters, intent on getting in some neglected guitar practice, I felt an urgent need to use the facilities. Hurrying in, that's where I stayed for the next forty-five minutes, hunched over in misery. I'd read in military histories that severe diarrhea, often called dysentery, had taken the lives of thousands of soldiers during the Civil War and wondered how that could be possible. Now I knew.

My bed never looked so good as I started to at last emerge from my bathroom. That was when the cramps hit so hard and fast that I felt the impact with the floor before I even registered the fact that I was falling. Riding out the intense wave, I finally lay there, spent, feeling like an overcooked noodle. I knew exactly what needed to be done and for once wasn't going to hesitate, but before I could reach up to tap my radio, the pain returned.

Curled into a tight ball on the cold floor, sweat broke out on my forehead. This couldn't be happening again. I was trapped in one of my two worst nightmares only three short months after the events that spawned it. I was alone, helpless, and unlikely to be found any time soon. Fear made my abused stomach twist even harder, and I felt myself dry heaving as I lay there, tears running unchecked down my face. That's when a sweet little voice spoke in my head, sounding on the verge of pure panic herself.

"Father? I can feel your pain! What's going on?"

_Allie! Help... Get Carson!_

Before I could complete the thought, she was gone. I heard someone calling me on the radio not long after, then hands were on me, a cool cloth gently running over my face.

"It is all right, John. Dr. Beckett is on his way."

Teyla. Good girl, Allie. At that point, I lost the fight to stay conscious.

I woke sometime later to the very familiar ceiling of the infirmary and one very sore midsection, still feeling completely wrung out. Hands were smoothing a blanket back in place around my legs, alerting me to the fact that it was cold air around my lower body that awakened me. Rolling my head to one side, I saw Carson place a Foley catheter on a tray, then strip off his gloves before he turned to note my eyes on him.

_Crap. I think I'm glad I woke up now instead of a few minutes ago._

Carson smiled, gently wiping my face with a cloth that had been sitting ready on the table by my bed. "You have good timin', son. I doubt you wanted to be awake when I was takin' that thing out. Don't worry, you should be just fine now. I wouldna be surprised if you could return to your quarters tonight and be up and around in a few days. Out of everyone, you got hit the worst."

I blinked stupidly, my sleep and drug-fogged brain not quite following. Gingerly, I tried to push myself up, only to have Carson instantly pressing me back, then raising the head of the bed. Face darkening with anger, he handed me a cup of orange juice.

"Here, colonel, sip on this for a while."

"Uh, doc... What happened?"

If looks could kill, someone would be in Dr. Biro's care right now. "Some half-witted haggis brain thought it would be funny ta steal some Laxative from my infirmary an' pour it inta the gravy at dinner last night. For most people, the worst result was needin' to stay near a toilet for a few hours an' havin' to swallow some Midol for the cramps." Carson paused, eying me, apparently taking note of the anger I couldn't conceal. "Aye, its a mite bit nasty even as a joke. They knew the normal portions served, too, so they put in enough to ensure that everyone got a normal dose."

_No. Oh, this is just too cruel._

"O'course, you pick last night of all days to follow my orders fer once and actually _eat _a full double portion of the stuff. The server said she put _four _scoops o' gravy on your plate, so you effectively received a quadruple dose. Combined with your fast metabolism and a slight sensitivity to the drug... You were hit hard and fast with a drug overdose, son. I had ta put in an IV and a catheter to clean out your system.

I leaned my head back against the pillow with a groan, closing my eyes. I _knew _who was responsible, and was about one step away from revealing him. Only the fact that it _was _Zelenka, good-natured, sarcastic, afraid to fly Radek who wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone kept me from sending the wrath of Scotland after him right then and there. Somehow, I seriously doubted that he ever meant for me to get this ill. Wouldn't stop me from having a very pointed discussion with him about appropriate pranks, however. In the meantime, I drifted back to sleep with Carson fussing over me, brain already plotting a suitable revenge- and contemplating the truth in the old adage, friendly fire _isn't._

_Author's Note: Now, just what is John up to? Stay tuned for further hilarity! And since someone asked, yes, the prankster is a canon character. Reviews feed the beast, so please hit that button! Thanks._


	5. The Art of Apology

The Art of Apology

Radek's POV

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone for reviewing and giving your guesses. Special thanks to Sherryw for the first of Radek's newest pranks.

_Hrom do toho_! Colonel Sheppard was going to kill me. That is, if Dr. Beckett left enough pieces when _he _was done. I just didn't understand what could have gone wrong. I had double-checked the dosage and was certain I had it right. No one was supposed to be affected that badly, particularly Colonel Sheppard. The man barely ate anything and it showed. As Rodney always says, the Colonel showed a striking resemblance to a toothpick.

With a confused sigh, I turned to enter my lab, only to stop short when the door literally slammed shut in my face. A centimeter closer and I would have been short my nose, a piece of myself I am rather fond of. Only one person in the city can make a door do that, and she had a very legitimate reason to be _very _angry with me. After all, I was the reason that her father was laying in an infirmary bed being very miserable right now. I winced, not looking forward to the coming conversation.

"Allie... Please let me in lab."

The door remained pointedly shut.

"I wish to talk to you, Allie, but I need laptop to do so."

After a long moment the door slowly swung open and I released the breath I had not realized I was nervously holding. Entering the lab, I immediately sat down and checked my computer screen. Nothing.

"Allie, I wish you to know that I would never purposely harm the Colonel. It was just... harmless prank, you know, a joke."

Tensely, I waited for what seemed an eternity before a burst of text filled the screen.

'You said it was a JOKE! Father says jokes are FUNNY. That WASN'T FUNNY! That was MEAN! You're mean! You HURT Father! YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND ANY MORE!'

Allie is definitely a child, despite being an artificial intelligence, and she was having a rather spectacular temper tantrum. Good thing I wasn't Rodney and would not tantrum back. But the little girl had a point. Intended or not, I _had _hurt Colonel Sheppard, and I knew how much he _loved _the infirmary.

"**I am sorry.** Am so very sorry, little one."

'I'm not talking to you. I don't like you.'

As if to prove her point, the computer screen suddenly snapped off, then the lights, leaving me sitting in utter darkness. This wasn't going well at all.

"Allie?" Silence and darkness. "Allie... Am very sorry. What else to you want me to say? I never intended this to happen. Am not even sure I know how or why the colonel was made so sick. I thought I calculated carefully and no one would get hurt."

After several more minutes sitting alone in the gloom, I had to wonder if the child was even still listening.

"Please, Allie, I wish to apologize to Colonel Sheppard as well. I can not do this locked in powerless lab."

The lights abruptly flared, causing twin jolts of pain to shoot through my eyes. As they adjusted, I heard the laptop begin to hum as it, too, regained power.

"Allie?"

'You promise to be nice from now on and leave everyone's food alone? You better or I'll tell Doc Beckett.'

"Yes, yes. I promise on honor as a Czech. I will not tamper with the food again." Then the full meaning of what she had just written stuck me. "You mean Scottish Terror does not know it was me?"

I couldn't believe my luck on that one, I had thought I was one deceased Czech.

'No. Father didn't tell Doc Beckett because he said that you wouldn't have made him sick intentionally. He's still _reeeaaallly_ mad, though.'

"Could you tell him I wish to apologize and ask that he not make me into Czech pancake the moment I come in infirmary door?"

I held my breath hopefully after making that request. The military commander of Atlantis was not someone you ever wanted angry with you. Kolya and the Genii had found that out the hard way during their attempted takeover two years ago. The result hadn't exactly been pretty.

'Oh, all right. If you hurry, you can talk to Father before Doc Beckett gets back.'

"_Thank you_, Allie."

I called as I scrambled for the door, intent on my mission. Minutes later, I was cautiously peeking around the main infirmary door, but true to Allie's word, there was no sign of Doctor Beckett or anyone else for that matter. Somewhat odd, but as the Americans say, I would not look a gift horse in the mouth lest it bite me. I spotted a blanket covered lump in the bed usually occupied by the colonel when he was here and called out softly, not wishing to startle the man and land myself in further trouble.

"Colonel?"

"Ah, Doctor Z. Allie told me you would be coming and that I shouldn't flatten you the moment I saw you."

The voice sounded faintly amused as the lump shifted, blanket shoved aside to reveal the man himself. As I received my first good look at the man, I felt guilt and horror war for dominance in the pit of my stomach. He looked like _shit_, pale and seemingly even skinnier than before. Dark bags under his eyes made him resemble a raccoon. What could have gone so wrong? My feelings must have shown on my face because he sighed, actually giving me a slight smile.

"Relax, Radek, I look worse than I actually am."

"Colonel Sheppard, I am _so sorry!_" I blurted it quickly, his slightly confused look making me realize that I had spoken in my native Czech. I repeated the phrase in English just as I saw him puzzle out what I had said.

"So long as you realize that what you did was wrong, not just because I was hurt, but in general, then I can forgive you."

The stern look I was pinned with made it clear I should consider myself very lucky. Somehow I doubted he would be _forgetting _anytime soon, though. I didn't have the heart to tell the man that he had accidentally hurt me as well with that toolbox trick. After all, most people would not be pulling so hard that they actually fell when they picked the thing up. The bruises were my fault.

"Yes, yes, I have promised your daughter I will not fool with food again. Does this mean you will no longer shoot me?"

He glanced at the laptop sitting open on his bedside table, then back at me.

"Seeing as I don't have my side arm or my P-90 with me at the moment, I'll have to leave that question unanswered for now. Just be a little more careful in your jokes, my friend. Make sure they're actually _funny_. Now, Allie says that Carson is coming back so you'd better make yourself scarce if you want to stay in this game."

"Yes, Colonel, thank you, Colonel, goodbye, Colonel." I said hurriedly ducking out the side door through the storage area. Right. Now that I had apologized to the Colonel, I had some preparations to make for the continuance of the game tomorrow.

The next morning I hurried from my quarters to the mess hall, intent on my first goal. Yes, I had promised Allie I would not touch the food again, and I intended to keep that promise, but coffee wasn't food. At least, not to most people. Besides, all I was going to do was add a little harmless food coloring, no side effects possible whatsoever no matter how much people drank. Colonel Sheppard would still be resting in his room under doctor's orders and not allowed to drink coffee, so it was perfect. Fortunately, it was early enough that the mess hall was still very quiet and it didn't take long to accomplish my task. Soon, those who drank decaf would be walking around with green mouths while those who used the true stuff would have blue. Should prove interesting.

With a jaunty whistle, I returned briefly to my quarters for more supplies, then to get tape. Just before reaching the supply closet, however, I was suddenly shoved into the wall, receiving a violent protest from my ribs at the harsh treatment. Gasping, I tried to decide what had hit me.

"Watch where you're going, Radek!"

Rodney's obnoxious voice called to me from behind and I heard his footsteps recede around a corner. What was he talking about? I had been walking slowly near the wall, not in anyone's way. _He _was the one charging through like Canadian imitation of Spanish bull in China shop! Shaking my head, I decided that I really needed to think of a way to get even with the man. Maybe something with his computer? He had been scowling about something going wrong with the thing all last night, so maybe not...

Upon reaching my still-affixed-to-the-floor toolbox, I took note of two things- Rodney's box sitting next to mine, and the tube of super glue that the colonel had left. Carefully, I applied a line of glue to the inside rim of the lid, then shut the cover, retrieving tape from my own. I wished my arrogant colleague much success in opening _that_.

I was in the hallway just outside my target's office when I realized that I had not checked to be sure she was elsewhere at the moment. Cursing myself for my stupidity and praying to whatever deity might be listening in the Pegasus Galaxy I continued onward, pleasantly surprised to find the room empty. Pulling out the bag of rubber spiders that a friend on the _Daedalus_ brought me, as well as the tape and some nearly invisible fishing line, I set to work. Let's see what the so-called doctor thinks of _this_!


End file.
